I think I just drank some old ass juice….

Not like old ASS juice, just OLD ass juice.

I think.

Some background:

My mother-in-law went to the hospital….last month? She had stomach pains all day, throwing up from deep in her gut. At first she thought it might be her inferior vena cava (IVC) filter, broken, migrated, and/or perforating her insides. Then she thought it might be food poisoning from some expired stir fry she ate. Nope.

I had a hunch it might be a bowel obstruction. Unfortunately, I was right. She thought she might need surgery, but after a few days in the hospital, they sent her home intact. However, she couldn’t eat anything solid for a few more days. So she bought a bunch of fruit juice.

When mother-in-law could eat solid food again, she said I was welcome to all the juice I want. She was sick of it. Lately, ever the opportunist, I’ve been enjoying me a glass of orange juice or peach nectar with my pizza rolls and ramen noodle soups. A little while ago, I ate such a meal: ramen noodles with red pepper flakes and crispy fried onion.

With juice.

We’re getting low on orange juice, and I didn’t want anything quite so sweet or rich as peach nectar. Nor did I want to dirty up any more dishes. There was one small glass bottle of juice, kiwi strawberry juice, by a brand named Everfresh. I grabbed it and read the label.

10% JUICE

Okay, good enough. Could only be 0.1% juice.

INGREDIENTS: WATER, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, KIWI JUICE CONCENTRATE, PEAR JUICE CONCENTRATE….

Pear juice?

Ain’t this shit supposed to be strawberry kiwi?

Whatever….

COPYRIGHT 2004

Wait, WHAT?!

On second thought….maybe this came from the food pantry, not the grocery store….? I know the copyright year doesn’t necessarily correlate with the expiration date, but still….2004 was 15 YEARS ago! I tried to find the expiration date on the bottle, but I only see a 10/31. October 31st. No year besides 2004.

On the Everfresh website, I found their kiwi strawberry juice. The ingredients are quite different. I still have the glass bottle, and I’ll probably keep it, either for sentimental value or storing some strange homemade concoction. Like the salad dressing/personal lubricant I saw on Amazon a few years ago.

I drank the juice.

It was refrigerated, never opened, with the safety button unpopped. There was no mold, no strange odor or taste. No fizz, no evidence of alcohol or fermentation, although I do feel a slight endorphin “buzz” from the acute awareness and acceptance of my own stupidity. But it tasted like your average strawberry kiwi juice. I’m not dead or sick yet. Quite frankly, it was a nice addition to my meal.

Did I seriously just drink 15 year old fruit juice….?

Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day! 😀